Friday, April 27, 2007

Thus far, the LORD has helped me...

In less than a week, I will walk for my graduation at Georgia Tech. I am no one special, no different than the countless multitudes that have gone before me. But my God is something different. He has ‘brought me thus far,’ sometimes by the yank of my ponytail, sometimes dragging me through, sometimes carrying me...but might I add, abundantly.

Because of a season of tragedy and its disastrous repercussions marked by the death of my irreplaceable Dad, graduating from Georgia Tech has taken longer than I expected. The Lord, in his tender mercies however, invited me to share in a minute way in the fellowship of His sufferings. I desire not to list them, as my heart is not in the loss, but know that He took everything away … everything. (In case you didn’t get that, everything). My heart however, has been found in the ‘gain.’ I cannot express to you in words what He has allowed me to gain in Christ, and for that, it is more than worth it.

If I could only tell you of the depths of nothingness with which He placed me, so that I could explain to you the bounties of His mercies and provision. If I could only speak to you of the pits I found myself thrown in, slipping in, and jumping in as a result of this season, so that I could boast with you in the wonders of His redeeming grace and resurrection power. If I could only paint a portrait of the darkness that He led me through, to then give you a glimpse into how much Light He truly is, no darkness being in Him. If I could tell you how isolated He allowed me to be, that I could speak of the intimate encounters I would not trade with Him in ‘my’ Gethsemane. If I could list the material, physical, and emotional loss, that you may know the miracles He did to bring a double portion – in all of those areas. If I could explain to you the wounded state of my broken heart, to be able to claim to you what a Restorer and Repairer my Creator is. If I could tell you what a beggar of His grace I am, to boast with you in the power of His cross. If I could only humbly confess to you my former passions, so that I could have the privilege to describe to you the way that I am head over heels in love with my sweet Jesus. If I could only show you the scars that used to be wounds, to tell you that ‘I know.’

I can’t though. As much as I wish I could see your face, I am assigned to this computer screen for the time. So…I will walk on graduation day. I’ll walk for the ones that didn’t know if I was going to make it. I’ll walk for the ones that knew I would. I’ll walk for the all-nighters, final exams, study groups, library sleep-over’s, stressful classes, demanding professors, and rigorous pressures of this school. I’ll walk because I love high-heels and anytime I get to wear them is a plus for me :) I’ll walk for my Mom, brother, and sister, whom I love so dearly. I’ll walk for the koinania friends that have cheered me on, wept with me, fought for me, and laughed with me. I’ll walk for the anonymous donations from the Body of Christ that have allowed me (literally) to continue my education. I’ll walk for my Dad: His dream was for me to graduate from Tech, and then go to medical school. Since I am not doing the latter, I am now approaching the reality that I will no longer know what his dreams for me would have been in this next part of my life. With that, my heart cries. Maybe it’s just the little girl with ponytails in me that clings to the smile of her Daddy. I may slow my walk down a little when I think upon that...

But in the end, I walk for one reason. I will walk for my LORD. He has done the impossible. I am smiling, crying, dancing, humbled, breathing, imperfect living proof of the impossible. Oh yes mam - He is alive. And He must delight showing off some and doing the impossible...Thus far, the LORD has helped me…and so I will walk. To Him I give much praise.

4 comments:

Lindsee said...

Found your blog through the LPM blog and just have to tell you that this post was amazing.

It brought tears to my eyes, because of the tenderness of it.

Congratulations girl! I know that the Lord has huge plans for you...just keep seeking HIM!

Lindsee

jenny said...

AWESOME my friend.

holy chaos said...

i agree with lindsee...

beautiful...

a big congrats to you :)

Kelly S. Rogersville, Tennessee said...

I am sobbing at your beautiful words. I lost my beloved father when I was 25 (10 years ago). I know your pain, identify with your darkness, and rejoice with you in His restoration. I only wish I could have had the walk with Jesus then as you do at around the same age. It took sometime, but I know His power and He is everything to me. Thanks for sharing, 1 Sam 7.12...I have my stone too.
Kelly