Today would have been his 54th birthday. It has been about four years since his unexpected death, and I still find myself wondering what I need to get him for his birthday this year (while vowing to not get the dreaded tie or socks that every Dad seems to be stuck with :) )
I miss his smile. It put any anxious thought or way within me to rest.
I miss talking on the phone with him. Four years past his death, and I still have days where I forget that I can't call him like I used to everyday.
I miss standing on top of his feet in hug position to dance with him.
I miss the way he smelled.
I miss the way he said my nick-name...
I miss his bear hugs.
I miss him believing in me.
I miss him making up songs that rhymed about me.
I miss listening to him try to sing an oldies song, only to mumble his way through the stanza, and barely know the chorus. It was always an opportunity to laugh at each other.
I miss catching him loving on my cat, while he pretended to be too manly for that.
I miss the way he cared for me.
I miss his phone messages he would leave from work, "just to tell me that he loved me."
And so now,
I will miss his grin, or concerned glance, when I bring home the next 'man' in my life.
I will miss knowing if he approved or not.
I will miss him walking me down the aisle to be married. No other person seems fitting to give me away and I just don't know what to do about that.
I will miss him cradling my future child in his arms the way he held me.
I will miss knowing what his face would have looked like at my college graduation. It was his biggest dream for me, and the day seemed so incomplete without seeing his face as I walked off that stage.
I will miss him raking up a big pile of leaves for my children to run and jump in the way he did for me.
I will miss him knowing what a wonderful grandfather he would have been.
But most of all, I will miss him knowing (despite his imperfections) how wonderful of a father he already was to me.
Call me crazy, but to me, it's still his birthday. He is too much of the reason I am who I am, and thus is ever-present in my heart. I miss him to an amount that hurts nearly everyday.
To a man never to be replaced in my life, the LORD alone has given me something worth counting my 'loss'. Himself. He would be the only One able to fill such a void. Let me assure you girls that He is always the 'more' that you need. Christ Himself, the Word that became flesh, the King of Kings, has become my gain. May I never be satisfied with nothing less than all of Him. He is It for me. The One who sustains my universe has stooped down, and allowed me to climb into the lap of the Father.
Psalm 119 "It was good for me to be afflicted, so that I might learn your decrees. The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold. Your hand made me and formed me...may those who fear You rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in your Word."